Adeus: This is Goodbye

[note: adeus.n. Portuguese root. Farewell, departure, goodbye. “Handing over to God.”]

I keep coming back to you. 

To this room with white walls caving in, filled with old photographs of before. When I still believed Peter would knock on my window and whisk me away to see the stars. Before that ache in my chest grew bigger and hollow. When I still believed that the light at the far corner of the room was a portal into another realm. Before my closet became only a closet filled with clothes too small for size and secret wishes of a better life. I was Pandora and this body became my box. 

I keep coming back to you. 

To the same three-course meal expecting something new. I should stop feigning surprise when you serve me the same food. Now I realize why Persephone was so keen on consuming those six pomegranate seeds. Her body craved for the taste of change. The sweetness of taking fate into her own hands. I wonder what it’d take for me to break. For me to finally admit to myself that I am not okay.  

I keep coming back to you. 

To this intersection between reality and dreaming. I can’t tell any more the difference between when I am awake or sleeping. I keep speaking in riddles and literal metaphors. The sword in my heart of stone twists with every quaking breath. A person shouldn’t have this much power over another. I’ve yielded my soul so long ago. Is it bad I want it back? 

I keep coming back to you. 

To the very moment that it all fell apart. When all your smiles became forced. When the flame inside you started to fade away. I wish I could rip out the hearts of anyone who ever told you you weren’t enough. To break the aquarium you’ve forced yourself to fit into and as the water flows out I’d take you in my arms and whisper “you already have the whole ocean inside you.” 

♪ I’ll cry a little bit longer. to make a river of my tears. so I can float to a place. Far, far away from here ♪ 

I keep coming back to you. 

Waiting for the day you’ll finally let me go. Don’t get me wrong you’ve kept me warm through the darkest of times. You’ve provided me with comfort even when I believed I’d never amount to much. But it’s time I move on. I can’t keep coming back anymore. There are entire worlds out there for me to explore. Please, let me go. You’re hurting me now. The fingers on my wrist keep on digging into my skin. You’ve taken everything from inside me. You want the box too? I can’t give that to you. I won’t.  

I am letting you go. 

I pry your fingers one by one. Your eyes widen in surprise. Never expecting that this would be the final outcome. That the little girl who used to cower down at the sound of fireworks and thunder would ever have the guts. Did you really think that after twenty-one years living with you I wouldn’t have picked up a few tricks of my own? Wow, I really overestimated your strength. You got me good. I’ll give you that. 

I only have one last question before I throw you away to the wolves and bury you deep down into the earths so you can’t ever grow. 

Did you ever really love me? 

. . . 

I guess now I’ll never know.  

{excerpt monologue from a play I’ve been writing}